Rubik's Cube. Cabbage Patch Kids. Tickle Me Elmo. Playstation 3. Every few years, it seems,

the international toy cartel releases into the world some new shiny bauble that reduces us all to

screaming, scheming children, possessed by the spirit of receiving.

But it's giving that's expected this season, because it is through the annual exchange of merchandise that we express our love and affection — and try to make up for having been a schmuck at least a few times over the previous year. And it is in that spirit of buying one's way out of social purgatory that we present Gift Guide 2006. Most of the items are priced between dirt cheap and reasonable, and most are available locally (and the rest online). Use it wisely.

We've also included a few woulda-been holiday gift hits, had they made it out of development.

Don't ask where we got this information. (And please spare us the angry phone calls and cease and desist letters. We know our rights, and yes, we can do that to Elmo.)

We leave you with this request: If you work in a store that sells the PS3, can you hook us up?

By Dan Harkins (DH), Michael Gill (MG), Ron Kretsch (RK), Frank Lewis (FL),

Jeff Niesel (JN), Anastasia Pantsios (AP) and James Renner (JR)

It only hurts once

Surely someone in your life needs a tattoo — or another tattoo. All of the following shops sell gift certificates: Tattoo Faction (30584 Lorain Rd., North Olmsted, 440.686.1311, tattoofaction.com); Body Revolution (Cleveland, Wickliffe and Brunswick, bodyrevolution.net); Voodoo Monkey Tattoo (2074 W. 25th St., 216.664.5658, voodoomonkey.org); 252 Tattoo (Cleveland, Oberlin, Columbia Station, 252tattoo.com). — FL

Do you remember rock 'n' roll radio?

A must-have for any local music buff this holiday season is Carlo Wolff's new nostalgic trip Cleveland Rock and Roll Memories, available at local bookstores or online at Grayco.com. Go back to a time when the Buzzard was a zeitgeist, when Michael Stanley was selling out Blossom, when bands were made in Cleveland. The book is chock full of photos that prove throngs of people once grooved inside Northeast Ohio clubs. It'll make you cry. — JR

Totally lamped

Some of the coolest lamps we've ever seen are hand-blown from recycled glass by Michael Kaplan at the Glass Bubble Project. The one we saw had a graceful bell curve, and was olive-colored, dappled and swirled with white and burgundy. You can visit Mike at his shop on West 25th, or find the lamps in stock for $150 at Mitchell Sotka, 19071 Old Detroit Rd., Rocky River, 440.333.1735, mitchellsotka.com. — MG

Doggie's due

What will the well-dressed pooch be wearing this winter? Bring your dog down to Coventry Cats (1810 Coventry Rd., Cleveland Hts., 216.321.3033, coventrycats.com) and let him try on and choose from the selection of outerwear suitable for those late-night dead-of-winter potty runs. Car coats with frog closures, yellow slickers, Irish sweaters and hoodies can be accessorized with a Buckeyes baseball cap or even, for the Jewish dog, a tiny blue yarmulke with a star of David. Various prices. — AP

BLOCK PARTY

Jenga's cool, but how many times can you watch blocks fall down? Skybridge (from Family Games Inc., www.familygamesamerica.com) is a block-stacking game with strategy and a dash of greed: you can claim ownership of towers that other players built! For two to four player, ages 8 and up. — FL

And one for my hairy friend here

We can't decide if this is the coolest or saddest thing ever: beer for dogs. Made by the Dog Star Brewing Co., Happy Tale Ale is beef-flavored, non-alcoholic and supposedly good for your dog's coat. (Top that, Great Lakes!) Buy it online for $17.97 a 12-pack at petco.com. — DH

We can be sumos, just for one day

There you are, staring down your office foe like some sort of cowardly vigilante. He just looks like he deserves a body slam, right? But how to smack down those so deserving while avoiding a stint in the pokey? Rock'em Sock'em Robots are so Å  yesterday. So Sumo! With the introduction of thinkgeek.com's 13-inch Sumo Wrestlers, you can expend all that frustration without those pesky bruises and bit tongues. Complete with two controllers, the battling blow-ups run on AA batteries and pure remote rage. They're also programmed to sound two separate battle cries: "Hakke-yoi!" or "Nokotta!" We don't know what that means, but we're sure it's something brutal. — DH

Tie one on

Say Dad's the type who wears a tie when somebody dies and that's it. Here's something to keep him cozy and contemporary while thumbing his nose at the whole idea of keeping his neck all cloistered. And he can support the local art scene on top of it. MOCA's Artspace Museum Store (8501 Carnegie Ave., 216.421.8671) is selling goods made by local artisans, like local artist Alexis Savon's T-shirts with vintage neckties sewn on in comely ways. It's a great way to say: "I would have worn a real tie — if a gave a shit." — DH

We don't need no water...

Still feeling the rosy afterglow of the election results? Invite some friends over, pop the cork on that special bottle of wine you've been saving, gather round and light the fire — with the Burning Bush Fire Starter ($17.50 at Big Fun, 1827 Coventry Rd., Cleveland Heights, 216.371.4386). This bit of kindling features a photo of our now less-powerful Beloved Leader surrounded by lapping flames. You can probably now disregard the warning on the package: "Use only when not under surveillance." It also cautions "Best used before Election Day 2008," but we think you'll be so eager to see the prez go up in smoke that it won't be an issue. — AP

Slogans runs

Cleveland's been through a whole stack of slogans intended to give the city a much-needed jolt of civic pride. Remember "Cleveland Rocks"? "Cleveland: You've Got to Be Tough"? And who could forget "New York's an Apple but Cleveland's a Plum"? You can get them all on colorful T-shirts from Big Fun (1827 Coventry Rd., Cleveland Hts., 216.371.4386) and flaunt your local pride. Who needs jobs and decent schools when you've got a catchy slogan? — AP

Don't eat that!

Kids love candy and anything gross, so why not a stocking-stuffer that combines the two? Packets of lemon-flavored rock candy bits labeled "Don't eat the yellow snow," cinnamon dots renamed "Rudolph's spare reindeer noses" and striped peppermint lozenges passed off as "elf pillows," and a disc of milk chocolate called "reindeer pie" are all available at World Market (various locations, worldmarket.com) for $1.99-$2.99. — AP

In my day we didn't have Final Fantasy XI...

It was a simpler era when kids were first treated to at-home video-game fun. Pong, Tank, Centipede — Dad, Mom, look at this! Can you believe the graphics? Enter the Atari Flashback 2.0, a retro console loaded with 20 classic games (Missile Command, check) and 20 new games to give nostalgia junkies something new to haunt the couch for. It's selling for $34.99 at area retailers. — DH

"Known unknowable unknowns..."

Pretty soon we won't have Donald Rumsfeld to kick around anymore — unless you score a talking doll of the outgoing secretary of defense from old-fashioned-values.com ($24.95). The uncanny likeness, which comes in a red, white and blue display box, spouts gems of oratory such as "We have done so much in the last two years and it doesn't happen standing around with your finger in your ear hoping everyone thinks that's nice," and "I believe what I said yesterday, I don't know what I said but I know what I think and I assume it's what I said." Heavens to Betsy, it'll be just like he never went away! — AP

To be fair...

Katmandu Imports deals with a women's cooperative in Nepal to get snazzy shoulder bags, lined and with a zippered pocket on the inside, all made of recycled silk. They come in fabulous colors, and styles from patchwork to furry, for just $20 (Lion and Blue at 15106 Detroit Ave., Lakewood, 216.529.2328).

€ Onyx is one of those things that's just plain beautiful, and if you can find it carved into a useful shape, so much the better. The stone is drip-formed in layers in stalagmites and stalagtites, so it has a striped look usually associated with sedimentary rock. Polished, it's smooth as glass, and comes in shades from white to a jade-like green, all the way to reddish brown. Why not get your mom a carved bowl that took literally thousands of years to make? Ten Thousand Villages (Cleveland, Rocky River, Hartville locations, tenthousandvillages.com) has a range of bowls and other tableware carved by co-operatives and fairly traded from Pakistan. You can get a large fruit bowl for $89, or napkin rings from $3.50 each, and several items in between.

€ Also available at Ten Thousand Villages: Lacquered capiz shell bowls can light up a room with their vivid color. They're made in the Philippines by pressing ultra-thin layers of scallop-shaped shell over a mold, then layering them with food-safe lacquer. — MG

Don't try this at home

So you're searching for the perfect meaningless gag gift to toss down the stocking spout. How about soap that looks exactly like a big pile of shit? Yes, that's right: Nope It's Soap is an exfoliator scented like fresh cappuccino that looks just like something you might want to put in a flaming paper bag and leave on an asshole's front porch. Buy some at nopeitssoap.com for $7.99 — or just wait until Burrito Tuesday. — DH

Shall we Danzig?

What better gift to give someone who's been naughty than soft vinyl dolls that capture singer Glenn Danzig as he's looked when he's played with his various bands? There's Misfits Danzig, wearing his skull-and-crossbones black T-shirt; Samhain Danzig, dripping blood and clenching fists inside black fingerless gloves; and Danzig Danzig, sporting an upside-down cross medallion. The 10-inch-tall figures retail for $75 at Hot Topic (various locations, hottopic.com). — JN

Far East Side

For those who have been on a '60s high since the first time they saw Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, and need to replenish their stash of period accessories, City Buddha (1836 W. 25th St., 216.241.6416, and 1807 Coventry Rd., Cleveland Hts., 216.397.5862) has a selection of Indonesian handbags — the kind that hang jauntily from the wrist and are adorned with beaded fringe and sequins. In colors like gold, copper, purple, turquoise, red, lime and hot pink, they'll make you feel like you're in swinging London, circa 1965, for only $22.50. — AP

Bootsy call

Parliament/Funkadelic bassist Bootsy Collins assembled quite a cast for Christmas Is 4 Ever (Shout! Factory). Guests include Snoop Dogg, Charlie Daniels and Fred Wesley, Buckethead and Roger Troutman. Collins puts his funky spin on the holiday with songs such as "Jingle Belz," "Dis-Christmiss" and "Chestnutz," all of which are steeped in that funkadelic flavor. The standout track is "Happy Holidaze," which features some fine rapping courtesy of "little brother Snoop." — JN

Last comic standing

Is your teen "dabbling" in the wrong sort of comics? Did you recently catch him reading Å  Aquaman? Brian Michael Bendis, Cleveland's prodigal comic book writer, will save the day! Carol and John's Comic Shop (3742 Rocky River Dr., 216.252.0606) carries the essential Bendis collection of graphic novels Goldish, Jinx and Torso. And make sure they're read in that order — it's important, dammit! That'll straighten out any kid drawn to lame so-called heroes. — JR

Have a gas

Every kid appreciates a well-timed fart, but who's got time to wait for nature to take its course? The new Electric Fart Machine, which retails for $19.99, comes complete with separate speaker and remote control, which allows the prankster to surreptitiously place the speaker wherever farts need to happen and sound the alarm whenever it's most appropriate. Jeff Reid, assistant manager at novelty store John's Fun House (842 E. 185th St., 216.531.6800), says it's perfect for holiday hijinx. "You can put it in the bathroom and when somebody goes in, you can wait for other people to go by and then press the button," he says. "You can be, like, "Hey, what's going on in there?'" Go ahead and snicker, snob — the Farrelly brothers are freakin' millionaires. — DH

The gayest time of year

"Give yourself a gift this year/come out for Christmas," intone the Go-Go Boys on Homo for the Holidays (Ring Records). The comedy duo of Jim Kozak and Georges Montalba sing show-tune-style and mess with Christmas classics: "Taking Cover," about STDs, is sung to "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" and "12 Steps," a tune about homosexual denial, mimics "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Elsewhere, they suggest "the king of kings was a queen/the messiah quite reliably queer" in the irreverent "On the Lamb" and extol the virtues of anal sex in "The Bottom Line," a disco take on "Jingle Bells." — JN

Joe knows dough

How big is the ego of Joe Eszterhas, the former Plain Dealer reporter who penned screenplays for films like Flashdance, Jagged Edge and Basic Instinct? Consider the title of his new book: The Devil's Guide to Hollywood: The Screenwriter as God (St. Martin's Press). In this collection of anecdotes and advice, Eszterhas brags about how much money he's made ($3 million for the Instinct script alone) and the starlets he's banged (notably, Sharon Stone). Though filled with vitriol for the superficiality of Hollywood, the tome is surprisingly inspiring; Eszterhas' basic creed is that anyone can become a screenwriter regardless of whether they abide by Hollywood's so-called rules. — JN

...while visions of dookie ropes danced in their heads

Aspiring rappers everywhere will find Reggie Osse and Gabriel Tolliver's Bling: The Hip-Hop Jewelry Book (Bloomsbury) to be an essential resource. The graphic- and photo-heavy book includes a "bling timeline" that credits New York's diamond district, TV shows like Dallas and Dynasty, and the birth of the b-boy with the creation of bling. Even if you don't care about hip-hop, you'll likely get a kick out of seeing Biz Markie wearing a scorpion medallion, LL Cool J in a double dookie rope and Ludacris with a skull piece "guaranteed to ward off evil spirits, wack rappers and Bill O'Reilly." — JN

You go first

Produced by those merry pranksters at Montreal's punk zine VICE, The VICE Guide to Travel (Vice Films) is a DVD and book that collects seven short documentaries about travel destinations that are anything but enticing. The guys go in search of mutant wolves in Chernobyl, test out guns on the illegal arms market in Pakistan and try to find dinosaurs in the Congo. It's gonzo journalism at its best, even if it's not likely to increase tourism to any of these locales. — JN

Suck this

Why stock up on energy the old-fashioned energy-drink way by replenishing lost vitamins and nutrients? That'd take minutes! But with Big Ox, a canned oxygen product that claims to put energy drinks to shame, all you need is a second or two to bring rejuvenating oxygen to starved muscles head to toe. Sold in Mountain Mint and Tropical Breeze, here's a great way to give the gift of refreshment that doesn't entail inhaling that sullied Cleveland air. A 10-liter can, with 93-percent pure oxygen, delivers 30 to 40 fresh breaths. Price: $14.95 a can (that's about 50 cents a squeeze), online at montysgourmey.com. — DH

My frame is true

Your friends with kids almost certainly don't have enough frames for their pictures of all the cute things those kids did last week, and so they almost certainly need a whimsical picture frame — or a whole set — by Joyful Creations. They're made in the USA of all recycled metal, hand-torched in fun geometric patterns, and they come with magnetic flowers and other charms to hold the pics in place with no fuss. They're $16-$35 at Lion and Blue at 15106 Detroit Ave., Lakewood, 216.529.2328. — MG

Get rubbed the right way

It's hard to relax in a town that smells like rotten eggs and is overcast 90 percent of the year. So treat your partner to an hour of soothing massage at Lakewood Massotherapy (17301 Madison Ave.). A gift certificate for an hour-long, full-body rubdown will only set you back $50 for the first, $45 for each additional certificate. — JR

Ale storm

Unless you're licking Santa, nothing tastes as much like Christmas as Great Lakes Christmas Ale. It's a bold brew of hops mixed with honey, ginger and a dash of cinnamon. But beware: With an alcohol content of 7.5 percent, these suds will mow you down like a herd of reindeer if you're not careful. Available at Great Lakes' gift shop (2516 Market Ave., 216.771.4404, greatlakesbrewing.com) and at most grocery and liquor stores. — JR

Home, movies

Got a little Spielberg-to-be at home? Show him what can be done around here so he doesn't run off to LA when he makes it big. Start him off with a homemade box set featuring the best films made in Cleveland, Welcome to Collinwood, American Splendor and The Year That Trembled; the book Independent Feature Film Production: A Complete Guide from Concept Through Distribution, by Gregory Goodell; and a Cedar Lee gift certificate (clevelandcinemas.com). — JR

Postage played

Mailing out holiday cards can be embarrassing if you're still using those Valentine stamps you bought last February. Sending your best bud a card with a heart stamped on the envelope is only going to make poker night weird and uncomfortable. Design your own stamps at photo.stamps.com. This Web site allows you to upload any photo* to be converted into original U.S. postage stamps. (*Unless it's "obscene, offensive, blasphemous, pornographic, sexually suggestive, deceptive, threatening, menacing, abusive, harmful, an invasion of privacy, supportive of unlawful action, defamatory, libelous, vulgar, violent, or otherwise objectionable." Save that stuff for the inside of the envelope.) — JR

Heaven can wait

Do you know an aged local businessman with too much money and an inflated opinion of his own self-worth? Then this is the gift for him. For the low, low price of $150,000 — plus a $20,000 membership fee and annual payments of $398 — the Alcor Life Extension Foundation will agree to freeze anybody at the moment of death, in hopes that medical science may one day advance to the point that the person can be resurrected. Right now, they're offering savings of nearly 50 percent for any additional family member that would like to be turned into a human Popsicle. Check it out at alcor.org. — JR

Home is where the art is

If you want to support local artists with your holiday gift purchases, there are a few ways to go. Tri-C's annual Pottery Sale, featuring work by students and faculty, will take place November 29-30 (Metro Campus, Arts and Music Building, room 207, 216.987.4270). This year's By Hand, the IX Center's annual arts and crafts festival (December 9-10, $10 admission, kids under 12 free, byhandevents.com), will include at least half a dozen Cleveland-area artists. Or, since Issue 18 passed, you could just buy cartons of cigarettes for all your friends who smoke, or could be persuaded to for the sake of art. — FL

Stock trip

This year, buy your friend a piece of our tattered democracy. Currently trading around $46 a share, Diebold stock is the "it" gift for any ironic liberal. Purchase shares through the company's investor relations department (330.490.6638) or by contacting a local financial consultant. Put it in a dollar-store frame and you've put together a fine piece of art that will only increase in value as more voting machines are hacked. — JR

Grape nut?

Looking for that perfect gift to give out-of-state visitors? Send them home with a bottle of regional vino from Lonz Winery. We recommend the Niagara, a freshly sweet concoction that anyone will enjoy. For pickier palates, try the Pink Catawba. At around $5 a bottle, it's obviously not for those relatives who pretend to be connoisseurs. But who likes them anyway? Find Lonz wine at local liquor stores, call 800.548.WINE or visit firelandswinery.com/lonz. — JR

Ice ice baby

Local hockey fans don't miss the Barons, who packed up their stupid teal jerseys and crappy record and moved to Massachusetts at the end of last season. But the fans do miss pro hockey, with which Cleveland has had a strangely testy relationship for far too long. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert — who's from Detroit, the self-annointed Hockeytown U.S.A. — plans to bring a new American Hockey League franchise here next season, and has promised better days for fans weary from years of watching the local boys get womped by the Manitoba freakin' Moose. Gilbert's done right by us so far with the basketball thing, so maybe there's hope. A reservation for season tickets for the still-unnamed team can be had for $50 at clevelandprohockey.com. — FL

No, we can't all get along

"While members of the Baltimore Colts back in the late 1960s and early 1970s, Tom Matte and Rick Volk played in two Super Bowls together. They each went to the 1969 Pro Bowl. They were stalwarts for a franchise that enjoyed plenty of success — even if it did get blindsided by Joe Willie and the Jets in the '69 Super Bowl.

"For one week of the year, all that teammate stuff was stowed away, and the men's true allegiances came out. It was Ohio State-Michigan time, and Matte and Volk were no longer Colts. They were Buckeyes and Wolverines, and they didn't like each other. So they would bet on the game. It didn't matter how much was at stake. Losing a quarter to someone from the other side in that game was as bad as coughing up one's life savings. No Michigan man could stomach losing to a "worthless nut.' And no self-respecting Ohio State grad could handle a defeat at the hands of someone from "that school up north' with a mascot that wasn't even indigenous to its state. The two never faced each other in college — Matte left Columbus four years before Volk arrived in Ann Arbor — but it doesn't matter. Once you get a taste of that rivalry, it never leaves you.

"Even now, 30 years removed from their time in the NFL, Matte and Volk remain close. Really close — they live about a mile apart in the Baltimore area. They socialize together. Their wives are friends. But still, for one week out of the year, they revert to old form: They place a bet. Then they return to their respective corners to watch the game. And when Michigan scores, Matte knows what to expect. "I'll call him and sing the Michigan fight song," Volk says, laughing.

""And if the Buckeyes score?'

""He'll call me.'"

— From Big Games: College Football's Greatest Rivalries, by Michael Bradley, from Potomac Books (potomacbooksinc.com), $26.95 — FL

You spin me right 'round

Vinyl junkies rejoice — you can get your old records into your iPods. Numark's TTUSB ($169 at Guitar Center and Sam Ash) features a direct computer interface that works with Windows and Mac OSX to make digital files from your albums without running them through your noisy old stereo preamp. It comes complete with needle, cartridge and slipmat, and it's bundled with software that'll help you to easily remove the cracks and pops. Though if you want to remove those, you are, of course, a pussy. — RK

Ride, Sally, ride

For the little girl in your life — the really little one — the Schwinn Roadster Trike ($89.99 at Spin Bicycles, 14515 Madison Ave., Lakewood, 216.521.7746) will send the groove-o-meter spinning. It's a low-slung tricycle that balances performance with style and scores high points for both. On the performance side, it comes with pneumatic tires that will smooth out the sidewalk bump-bump-bump, and a low center of gravity guaranteed to hug even the tightest curves. On the style side, it's got chromed-out details, including scalloped fenders, plus a real wooden deck for your passengers, a bell and handlebar tassels. Plus, you can get it in pink. — MG

Write away

We all know someone who's boasted of writing a surefire bestseller, just as soon as he gets around to it. ("It's all up here," these wannabe Grishams always say, smirking and tapping their temples.) Be helpful and sarcastic by giving him The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play, by Neil Fiore (Tarcher/Penguin, paperback, $13.95) and a fancy writing journal, for those moments when inspiration strikes and a cheap spiral-bound notebook just won't do. Both are available at area bookstores. — FL

Grow your own

Like a 21st-century amalgamation of Adopt an Egg and Magic Grow Window, Test Tube Aliens get cooler the more you work at making them that way. You start by watering and feeding the little bastard (there's three "good guys" and three "bad guys" to choose from) and you'll actually start to see a heartbeat thumping. Meanwhile, you download a computer program that analyzes your alien and can tell you if you're a deadbeat or not (whether you're feeding it too much or watering it too little). Another cool feature: If you're leaving town for a few days, you can have your computer put the little extraterrestrial in "coma" mode. So go to Big Fun (1827 Coventry Rd., 216.371.4386), plop down $22.50 and head home with your very own piece of the American Dream — a pet that can't really die, no matter how miserable a nurturer you are. — DH

editor@freetimes.com