WE ALL HAVE SECRETS
Shortly before resigning, Attorney General Marc Dann hired an “opposition research” specialist, Jason Standford. Dann dropped his gun and surrendered the hostages before Stanford could work his special magic, so we’ll probably never know if he was hired to dig up dirt on Republicans, Dann’s fellow Dems, reporters, or all three.
To play it safe, we assigned the story to staff writer James Renner, a well-known troublemaker born without a propriety gland. Here’s an example:
CAN’T HANDLER
Talk show host, stand-up comedian and best-selling author Chelsea Handler phoned in to discuss her new book, 
Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. A David Sedaris-like collection of stories from her life, the book revisits all the funny and ridiculous stuff that’s happened in her life.
“I was definitely a mess,” Handler says of her childhood, which is addressed in the opening chapter. “I didn’t think I was funny at the time. I wasn’t funny to my parents. But if you give anything time, it becomes funny eventually. That’s what I always tell people. Just give the joke a couple of weeks and it will become funny.”
The book also includes a chapter about the time Handler got a DUI, ended up in jail and swore she would never touch vodka again (hence the book’s title). It’s not a promise she’s kept, though she has been careful not to get another citation. “We take cabs everywhere,” she says. “Once you get a DUI, you never want to get another one.” Handler even writes about her dad’s not-so-sanitary habits. “Everyone thinks my father is crazy,” she says. “I told him, ‘You pee in the driveway.’ He was like, ‘Really?’ We’ve seen him do it. He’s in total denial.” In addition, she says her sister Sloane is “as much fun as a cold sore.” That one didn’t sit so well, but Handler says comedy was never her sibling’s strong suite. “I would say I let it all hang out,” she admits. “That way, there are no questions about anything. You can read the book and know everything. Boyfriends and friends can’t get mad.”
Handler has also done the nearly impossible. Host of the E! show, Chelsea Lately, she’s had a successful talk show at a time when talk shows are a dime dozen. The key, she says, has been her irreverent approach. Rather than fawn over celebrities, she asks about their dirty little secrets. “People are so obsessed with celebrity culture,” she says. “I wanted to make fun that we care so much by calling people out. You can’t say Paris Hilton is an asshole and then have her on the show. I wouldn’t have her on the show so I can say whatever I want about her. Paris is retarded and ridiculous. It’s fun to make fun of them. I like to make fun of Star Jones, David Hasslehoff and Charlie Sheen and that mess of an ex-wife of his. I enjoy all that stuff. It takes you away from the disaster that our world’s become.”
While Handler’s not coming to Cleveland on her current book/stand-up tour, she will be in Columbus on Saturday, May 31 to perform at the Capitol Theatre. — Jeff Niesel
RIGHT ON THE LAKE
The Lake Shore Hotel opened in 1929 at 12506 Edgewater Drive in Lakewood. For years it was considered to be one of the swankiest addresses between New York and Chicago.
In the late 70’s, the Marius Restaurant occupied the main dining room, which was housed in the ground floor of the wing on the left in the following vintage postcard image. I talk about the restaurant in my Goodfellas Redux article this week.
What stuns me about this picture (courtesy of the Cleveland Memory Project) is that the rear courtyard was once so large. At one point, the grounds also featured an elaborate pool that was surrounded by a cabana-strewn deck. Click here for more vintage images of the hotel.
I grew up on Lake Avenue in Lakewood and erosion was always a looming problem in the neighborhood. But when I returned to the site of the Lake Shore a few weeks ago, I was reminded of just how voraciously Lake Erie is gnawing away at Northeast Ohio.
I took this photo of the northeast corner of the Lake Shore Hotel building while facing west–that’s the Winton Place and the Meridian in the background. The drop-off to the Lake on the other side of the green fence is fairly dramatic. It was not a comfortable place to stand — and to think that this was once the site of a sprawling summer paradise.
When I worked at the Marius as a kid, there was a deuce-top table that sat in that arched window. It was one of the most romantic locales on the coast, boasting a remarkable view of downtown Cleveland.
The lovers, lobster tails and candlelight are long gone now. The area that was the restaurant is now home to Larsen Architects. The upper floors of the hotel are used for Section Eight housing–Erin O’Brien
DANN’S OTHER, OTHER WOMAN
Her name is Charlanne Morris-Graham, and back in 1988, when she claims she had an affair with Marc Dann, she was a manager for Charlie Brown’s re-election campaign in Wetzel County, West Virginia. Brown was West Virginia’s AG, and Dann was one of his assistant prosecutors — and also a campaign manager, himself.
The way Morris-Graham tells it, she went out for drinks with Dann in August of that year, and ended the night kissing in the park. Though Dann was married at the time to his current wife, Alyssa Lenhoff, Morris-Graham says Dann didn’t wear a ring and she thought they were divorced. “He didn’t explain anything,” says Morris-Graham. “I didn’t ask.”
They took tours of historic Wheeling. They took a carraige ride through Oglebee Park. They went to jazz clubs. He met her father. And eventually, the relationship became intimate. “I was thinking this guy was going to amount to something in my life,” Says Morris-Graham. “He seemed like a decent guy. He was thinner. He doesn’t look like it, but he could be very suave. He made you feel like the most important person in the room. He told you that you looked nice. He had a way of looking at you that made you feel special.”
Then, in January 1989, Dann invited Morris-Graham to the West Virginia Governor’s inauguration party. “He called a week later and said he was taking his wife,” she says. Morris-Graham was devastated. “When my dad found out he was married, he wanted to thrash him.”
Now, she looks at Dann’s recent affair with staffer Jessica Utovich and wonders how many more have occured between. “He’s screwed up,” she says. “I don’t think he’s truthful about a lot of things, but maybe that’s because I’m the one that got hurt. He can do good things. But he can hurt a lot of people along the way.”
As reported in Chatter, Dann’s spokesman boldly no-commented us. — James Renner
YOU ROCK/YOU SUCK
YOU ROCK
Papa John: You sonofa … How dare you endorse “crybaby” T-shirts making fun of Lebron? We’re gonna get you, sucka. Nothing you say is gonna fix this. Boycott! Boycott! Hold up, what’s this? 23-cent large one-item pizzas? My head says no, but my fat gutt says, hells yes! We love you, Papa John. We don’t even care that your pizza crust is mushy. 23-cent ‘za is heaven.
YOU SUCK
Cuyahoga County Commissioner Tim Hagan: You’re developing a plan that would allow you and your buddy Dimora to appoint your cronies as coroner, engineer, sheriff, treasurer and auditor/recorder, instead of letting the voters decide (we notice you’re allowing Mason to keep his job). You say the change will result in less patronage jobs in county offices, when what you really mean is that it will be your patrons who are hired. You’re again insulting the voters who elected you, like you did by jamming the MedMart down their throats. — James Renner
BREAKING NEWS: DEMS TO IMPEACH DANN
The following is a press release from the Ohio House Democratic Caucus, received May 13, 10:43 a.m.:
COLUMBUS – The Ohio House Democratic Caucus today filed Articles of Impeachment against Attorney General Marc Dann, accusing Dann of misconduct and malfeasance in office.
Ohio House Democratic Leader Joyce Beatty (D-Columbus) said Democrats first called on Attorney General Dann to resign. She then selected three attorney representatives to explore an impeachment process if he refused to step down.
“We have identified a pattern of misconduct that we believe rises to the level of impeachable offenses,” said State Representatives Dan Dodd (D-Hebron), Jennifer Garrison (D-Marietta) and Mark Okey (D-Carrollton) in a joint statement. “We promised the people of Ohio to end a culture of corruption that existed in the past, and we are fulfilling that promise by cleaning our own house when events and circumstances warrant.”
The nine Articles of Impeachment filed this morning are based on sworn deposition testimony from the Attorney’s General internal investigation (Espy Report) and other statements. The Articles include:
Malfeasance and Improper Exercise of Authority: Obstructed the investigation into allegations of sexual harassment within his office
Malfeasance: Willfully and intentionally issues misleading statements under oath
Nonfeasance and Gross Neglect of Duty: Neglected to perform the official duties of his office and, by his own admission, was not competent or qualified to execute the duties of the office of Attorney General
Nonfeasance and Neglect: Failed to exercise due care in the administration of the office because he knew or should have known his personal conduct contributed to and allowed the creation of a hostile work environment
Nonfeasance and Neglect: Failed to exercise due care to ensure the safety and security of state property
Nonfeasance and Neglect: Failed to investigate and prohibit improper use of state property
Nonfeasance and Neglect: Knew or should have known of the misuse of state property for personal business
Gross Neglect of Duty: Committed acts of gross neglect of duty by undermining the integrity of his office; bringing disrepute upon the office; betraying the public trust as Ohio’s chief law enforcement officer; undermining the effectiveness and efficiency of the office
Gross Immorality: Committed acts of gross immorality and knew or should have known that his personal conduct undermined the effectiveness and efficiency of the office
“This process is about accountability, and after a thorough review of the facts, we believe it is time to hold the Attorney General accountable for his actions,” Reps. Dodd, Garrison and Okey said. “We will not allow this pattern of misconduct to overshadow the important work being done on behalf of the people of Ohio. These Articles outline the case for us to move forward to address this situation and continue the work of promoting our state and protecting our constituents, undeterred by this distraction.”
REMEMBER THE LUCASVILLE 5
In April 1993, one of the bloodiest prison riots in Ohio history broke out at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility in Lucasville. Five men were sentenced to death for their alleged roles as instigators. Fifteen years later, these men remain on death row. But ACLU branches across Ohio, along with a cadre of citizen activists, are fighting to overturn convictions they say were based on questionable jailhouse snitch testimony. This small but growing movement for the “Lucasville Five” is gaining momentum.
A few months ago, the Cleveland ACLU formalized its work on the Lucasville Five case. The organization hired a part-time organizer and named its efforts the Lucasville Justice Project, a complement to the Lucasville Five Defense Committee that is made up of local organizers and defendants’ family members.
The ACLU is now circulating an online petition which will be presented to Governor Ted Strickland as a request to investigate the Lucasville prison uprising and the ensuing prosecution. Two hundred signatures have been collected so far, from all across the globe. The goal is 1,000.
A book on the subject, Lucasville: The Untold Story of a Prison Uprising, was published in 2004, by Staughton Lynd, a local attorney who also consults with the ACLU on the case. Lynd’s book was adapted into a play a few years ago by dramatist Gary Anderson. Last spring, the two took their agitprop theater of sorts on tour across Ohio.
Later this summer, Lynd and Anderson will have an even bigger stage for their production — in New York. The play has been selected to be in the 2008 Fringe Festival, an arts showcase that brings together some of the best emerging theater companies and performance artists in the world. For more information, go to fringenyc.org. — Charu Gupta
HEY CNN: DO THE WRIGHT THING
Now that the Democratic primary battle is winding down (we hope), maybe the mainstream media can start examining John McCain’s ties to whacky preachers with something close to the anal-probe intensity of its coverage of Barack Obama and Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
For a while, it’s seemed like we were the only ones sickened by McCraven’s sucking up to the Rev. Rod Parsley, Ohio’s wanna-be Pat Robertson. But now Mother Jones magazine has put the story into terms even knucklehead Chris Matthews could understand. Let’s go to the tape:
Tim Russert recently argued that McCraven’s ties to religious lunatics have gone largely unexplored because there’s no video. He was wrong, of course, but now we get to see whether he and his equally deluded colleagues decide to start calling this game both ways. — Frank Lewis
TERRIFYING CLEVELAND: FIVE O’CLOCK KISS
Whether you cruise to work with Neko Case or Steve Earle on the box or if you keep it tuned to WRUW, you are probably unaware of the most frightening radio experience in Cleveland–unless of course you find yourself accompanied by a tween.
Because then you can forget all about the Portishead, the Pink Lizard and the Bryan Ferry and get ready to saddle up with Fergie, the Jonas Brothers and Lil’ Wayne.
Welcome to KISS 96.5, wherein the songs fall into one of three categories.
1. Angsty: “I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late, whoa whoa.”
2. Lovey: “With you, with you, with you, with you, with you… Oh girl.”
3. Hormonal: “Gimme gimme gimme gimme.”
Sometimes, however, the genres blend.
Lovey/Hormonal: “Make love in this club, yea, in this club, yeah, in this club.”
(Apparently, repetition within songs is just as important as repetition of the KISS 96.5 song repertoire. Don’t believe me? Tune in right now and if Sara Bareilles isn’t belting out “Love Song” just wait three minutes–if it takes that long.)
To catalog the all the horrors of KISS 96.5 would send bloggers jumping out of windows, but one show feature deserves a spotlight.
Every weekday at 5 p.m., KISS 96.5 features the “Five O’Clock Hit Mix,” which pretty much includes their regular song list. What makes this hour different is that at some point during each song, a KISS crewster unleashes an electronic music maker thereby garnishing the vocals and canned electronic instrumentals with yet another layer of canned electronic instrumentals.
Other than noting that my 11-year-old thinks this is shear genius, I won’t try to describe it. You have to hear it to believe it.
WARNING: If your kids have not yet fallen into the KISS 96.5 abyss, DO NOT let them listen. It’s worse than Odyseus and the Sirens. You’ll be doomed to the likes of Flo Rida and Mariah Carey for the foreseeable future. And I thought my kid’s fascination with The Knack was bad. — Erin O’Brien
IT’S FRIDAY SOMEWHERE
Whether you remember WMMS personality Murray Saul from back in the day, or learned of him from the recent Free Times cover story, you probably think of him as a wild man. And he was. Dan Garfinkel was the station’s promotions manager, and lived in an apartment across the hall from Murray’s, on Euclid Heights Boulevard near Coventry. “There should be a plaque on the building,” to commemorate all the partying that happened there in the late ’70s, Garfinkel says. It was the kind of place where you could “go next door and borrow a cup of scotch.”
But Garfinkel, who now works in Pittsburgh, says Murray was also really good at the job the station paid him for, sales. He recounts the time that Murray talked others out of doing something really stupid.
“We had somehow gotten the short end of the stick from a client,” says Garfinkel. He can’t recall the details, but remembers vividly how pissed off everyone in the sales department was. Some started plotting revenge, to teach the advertiser a lesson. Then Murray spoke up — “We’re not in the lesson business” — and even the young longhairs had to agree that he was right.
Murray’s CD The Get Downs, Vol. I is available at Mac’s Backs on Coventry and Amazon. Here’s a sample.
See also: “Got-ta, got-ta …” — Frank Lewis
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