HILE ATTORNEY GENERAL Alberto Gonzalez assures the U.S. Senate that the Bush Administration’s domestic eavesdropping program is a vital “early warning system” for terrorists, another homeland security measure strikes at a local elementary school.

The kindergarten class at Lakewood’s Taft Elementary was planning a field trip to NASA Glenn Research Center. It’s a popular trip because it’s free, because the NASA staff already has age-appropriate tours that fit well with school curriculum, and, well, it’s outer space, for pete’s sake. They’ve got rocket ships.

And NASA works the education angle hard. According to the agency, “A major part of the NASA mission is ‘To inspire the next generation of explorers . . . as only NASA can.’” And of course they talk about math and science. NASA says about 400 school groups took tours last year.

But school principal Margaret Seibel says this year’s trip for Taft kindergarteners — we’re talking 6-year-olds here — had to be canceled due to homeland security concerns.

Since new security regulations went into effect in May 1, 2005, access to the Visitor Center is restricted to United State citizens. All others might be terrorists.

No tourists from France, no exchange students from Tokyo and, no foreign national kindergarteners on field trips.

“I was told they would not make any exceptions,” Seibel says.

Because two kids in the kindergarten class are not U.S. citizens, the teacher had to cancel the trip.

“It was just a policy that came down from the Homeland Security Department,” said Chief Community and Media Relations Officer Linda Dukes-Campbell. “We are a federal reservation, and we have to work within those ramifications.”

Dukes-Campbell says, though, that the agency is “looking at a policy revision” that might allow kindergarteners onto the federal reservation for field trips. She says they’re “hoping to have language” in order in a couple of weeks.

Get your permission slips ready.

— Michael Gill

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY HACK … Apparently operating on the “nowhere to go but up” philosophy, the Wall Street Journal recommended last week that investors purchase Diebold stock.

Diebold is the Canton-based producer of electronic voting machines. Its earnings have plunged 76 percent since December 2004. Not that the dip hurt top execs. They sold off hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Diebold stock in February 2005, months before a third-quarter report revealed their estimates for growth were drastically over-inflated. They were smart enough to sell high. Diebold CEO Walden O’Dell used his take as a comfy golden parachute when he resigned in December. O’Dell, as you may recall, once promised his company would help deliver the vote to George Bush at a Columbus fundraiser.

In an interview with reporters on February 6, new-CEO Thomas Swidarski said he had no political connections. According to campaign donations listed by the Center for Responsive Politics, that’s a dirty, dirty lie. Swidarski gave Bush $2,000 in 2003.

While shares of Diebold stock are now going for about $37 apiece, it’s actually less expensive to buy the electronic equipment needed to hack into their voting machines. To prove how easy it is to manipulate Diebold equipment, rebels at BlackBoxVoting.org recently videotaped a chimpanzee hacking into an audit log of tallied votes. No joke. A monkey hacked Diebold.

Hacking, however, may soon be a moot point. On January 31, the Ohio General Assembly passed House Bill 3, a piece of election-reform legislation requiring voters to show ID before casting a ballot. Don’t have one? Too bad! As an added bonus, the part of the bill requiring random audits of Diebold’s election results was removed prior to its passing.

Those interested in hacking a Diebold machine can do so at the 2006 Home & Garden Show, at the I-X Center through Sunday. Cuyahoga County election supervisors will be on hand to help curious citizens “test drive” the new machines. Hacking equipment sold separately.

— James Renner

NOT AS SUPER BOWL … Cleveland may have missed out on the Super Bowl, but at least we can kick ass at Madden football. Robert “Ill Spins” Wright, of Warrensville Heights, has reached the finals for the 2005 Madden Challenge, which takes place in Honolulu, Hawaii, this Friday. Should Wright dominate 31 other players, he will pocket $100,000.

“I’ve always known I was pretty good,” says Wright. “I’ve been playing since 1992, since Madden was on Sega Genesis.”

For a while, he used Madden to supplement his income, playing games for $5 or $10. Eventually, though, he got too good. “I’ve probably wiped out everyone who plays for money in Cleveland. Wiped out the Akron guys, too. To find money games anymore, I have to go to Cincinnati or Detroit.”

His win in the semifinals came only after a surprising upset in his hometown. After losing in Cleveland, Wright had to travel all the way to Miami, Florida for another chance. “I don’t want to make excuses, but we were playing in the Galleria and the TV I was playing on had a bad glare,” Wright explains. “I don’t want to take anything away from the winner, though”

And the nickname, “Ill Spins”? Where did that come from?

“Ever since I’ve been playing the game, I’ve utilized the spin move. It’s something you can identify me by. I probably have the best spin in the nation. I actually found a glitch in the game, where if you spun a certain way it would freeze the defense. It was real tough to stop me.”

Still, as good as Wright is, he sees the dangers inherent with Madden. “A lot of these guys submerge themselves in the game and it’s kind of sad,” he says. “I actually have a social life. People lose their wives over this.”

Over Madden? Warcraft we can understand. But Madden?

Anyway, good luck, Ill Spins. Cleveland’s rooting for you. Kinda. — James Renner

SCANDAL, SHMANDAL, SAY OHIO VOTERS … It’s an election year, not to mention a year riddled with Republican scandals. But Democrats don’t seem to be benefiting much from the situation.

A recent poll by Zogby International shows that Governor Bob Taft’s legacy is hardly a positive one. Turns out he’ll be most remembered for his involvement in the Bureau of Workers Comp scandal, his campaign finance violation misdemeanor convictions and Ohio’s current recession.

Yet on the question of which party would help bring jobs to Ohio, Democrats lead Republicans by only seven percent.

The poll turned next to the future. Of the contenders for governor in November, Democrat Ted Strickland leads — barely. He’s ahead of Secretary of State Ken Blackwell, 38 to 35 percent. Strickland and Petro are neck and neck, each with 36 percent, according to the survey of about 600 likely voters.

About 200, or one quarter of those surveyed, say they are still undecided. But it sounds as if Ohio isn’t all that bothered by Republican shenanigans. Almost 60 percent in Zogby’s poll said they couldn’t care less about all that. — Charu Gupta