To recap: Thin-mustached investigative journalist files hard-hitting report on some schlub whacking off in a library. Links to said report are e-mailed far and wide and blogged about because — and the FCC will back us up on this — it's one of the most ridiculous fucking things ever to air on a local TV news broadcast. T-shirts are printed, and Monday joins the Star Wars kid, the Asian Backstreet Boys and Tara Reid as online laughingstocks.

No one's had more fun with the saga than the folks at Deadspin.com, a sports-themed blog from the Gawker media network. And Deadspin announced this week that the Dunedin Blue Jays, a Florida minor league baseball team, will host "Carl "Mustache' Monday Night" on August 7. Fans named Carl (or Carla or Carlos, etc.), or who have a day of the week in their names, or who sport a 'stache, will get in for $3. (No word on the reward for polishing your knob in the bleachers.)

"For the record, we don't have anything to do with this promotion," Deadspin writes. "We're just happy that someone's finally giving Carl Monday the evening of honor he deserves. Hell, we're of half a mind to grow a mustache ourselves for the event." — Frank Lewis

THOU SHALT NOT SHOWBOAT

A campaign appearance intended to boost Republican gubernatorial candidate Ken Blackwell's plan to privatize the Ohio Turnpike antagonized a fellow Republican to the point of suggesting that the sanctimonious Blackwell may not be the Christian role model he implies he is.

Much was made of Blackwell's failure to pay the $3.70 toll when he made a July 6 foray onto the turnpike to promote leasing the road to a private company. But that was just the beginning of the controversy the trip generated — largely because a Blackwell crony couldn't refrain from shooting off his mouth.

In an open letter dated July 14, turnpike Executive Director Gary Suhadolnik — a longtime Republican from Strongsville — pointed out that Blackwell's roadside stunt violated turnpike regulations.

"No one is permitted to Å  hold a public meeting on or near a highway," he wrote. "In defiance of those regulations, Mr. Blackwell's campaign organized and invited members of the media to attend a campaign press conference at one of the toll plazas without requesting prior approval of the Ohio Turnpike Commission. Å  I wrote Mr. Blackwell a [private] letter indicating he should refrain from having any future campaign events on the Ohio Turnpike."

Suhadolnik also noted that in response to that private letter, Blackwell spokesman Carlo LoParo had accused Suhadolnik of protecting his "comfortable job at a bloated bureaucracy with a history of corruption." Suhadolnik responded in terms the holier-than-thou Blackwell would surely understand: "It is time for Mr. Blackwell and Mr. LoParo to start following the 9th commandment which states, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.' If either gentleman is aware of turnpike corruption they have a responsibility Å  to speak up or retract the accusation."

Don't hold your breath, Gary.

— Anastasia Pantsios

STICKY SITUATION IN PANCAKETOWN

Last week, we brought you the story of the strange murder of Dan Ott, who was shot to death in his Burton home by a "masked intruder" on May 26, two days before he planned to move to Michigan to start a new job ("The Pancaketown Murder," July 19). Dan's girlfriend, Maryann Ricker, was the only witness.

Scott Weber, who owns the Gunrunner gun shop in downtown Burton, posted updates on the investigation at Burtonblog.com every day last week, generating 23,000 hits, a record for his Web site. On Thursday, he reported that Dan and Maryann had an 11-year-old bulldog named Mulligan. The dog was not heard barking the morning of the crime and has since been taken in by a local caregiver. On Monday, Weber called on Maryann to take a lie detector test, ending his post with an odd story about how he managed to cheat a lie detector in college.

Meanwhile, Mary Jo Newport, a friend of Maryann's, has sent a letter of complaint to state officials, demanding to know why the Bureau of Criminal Identification and Investigation is taking so long to complete forensic testing: "There is a killer among us and he is running free," writes Newport. "I am surprised and horrified that homicide evidence takes SO LONG to be analyzed."

Bob Beasley, a spokesman for the Attorney General's office, confirmed on Monday that BCI had not finished processing the evidence in Ott's murder and did not know how much longer it would take.

The Free Times reached Maryann by phone for the first time this week. She said she disagrees with some details of the incident as posted on Weber's blog, but that the Geauga County Sheriff's office has asked her not to talk about the case. She promised to call back with an official statement, but didn't before press time. — James Renner

CASE NEEDS WOMEN!

Case Western Reserve University is among the most wired campuses anywhere, with a mediocre dating life and an almost nonexistent drug scene. It's best suited for self-assured, pre-professional students. No surprises there, but you will find other interesting tidbits in College Prowler, a smartly packaged new college guide series written by students, which purports to give the real inside scoop on what 200 of America's colleges and universities are really like.

The author of the Case guide, a then-sophomore named Remy Olsen, gives the school only one D (actually a D+, for parking) while awarding three A's — for abundant off-campus dining choices ("the options are endless"), lack of any serious drug culture and its excellent computer infrastructure. "Case certainly feels like the technology center of the solar system," she writes.

Academics, though, come in for a mixed assessment. "In general, the untenured professors do actually care about students. Most of the faculty is focused on research, though, and not teaching. Many of them cannot even speak English. There are a few gems, and they make it worth it."

She warns potential students to stay away from the area east of the campus along Euclid Avenue, but takes a philosophical view: "Case is an urban campus, so crime is a lingering concern, but not a constant threat." She grades the school a C+ on diversity, noting its general gay-friendliness and balance between conservatives and liberals, though "most students generally remain apathetic." Dating life is crimped by an almost two-to-one imbalance between men and women and what she calls a traditional shortage of attractive women at Case. But the situation is improving, she writes in the book's best line, as "new harvests of hotties penetrate the Case nerd barrier."

The Prowler series (www.collegeprowler.com), available in bookstores, also publishes guides on Ohio State and Oberlin College. — John Ettorre

BLOGPARTY

"Are you going to blog about this?" was the most frequently overheard comment at the Town Fryer on Saturday, July 22. As plates of red beans and rice and many beers were consumed, dozens of bloggers and blog readers were putting faces to screen names at the first Bloggapalooza.

Organized by Cleveland-area bloggers George Nemeth (brewedfreshdaily.com), Scott Bakalar (wordofmouth.blogspot.com), and Tim (timferris.blogspot.com) and Gloria (gloriaferris.net) Ferris, Bloggapalooza gave people who'd engaged in spirited online debates the chance to do the same in person, while enjoying performances by bands, rappers and poets.

The event's official excuse was the one-year anniversary of Meet the Bloggers (meetthebloggers.net), which invites political candidates to sit down at a local coffeehouse for in-depth interviews. Nemeth's big announcement of the day was that MTB had finally snagged Senate candidate Sherrod Brown for an August 12 interview; Congressman Brown had cancelled a scheduled January date over an altercation with one of MTB's founders.

— Anastasia Pantsios

FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE

Last Call Cleveland, the local sketch-comedy troupe last seen in Michael Stanley Superstar: The Unauthorized Biography of the Cuyahoga Messiah, will test a new batch of skits this summer at the House of Blues. Some people call what they do "fratire." Those people are assholes.

Last Call specializes in impressions of local celebrities (Aaron McBride as a palsied Dick Goddard is enough to cause the most continent of women to pee their pants) and odd situational humor (the Washington Generals' locker room at halftime during a game against the Harlem Globetrotters). The best new sketch, though, may prove to be the slightly racist barbershop quartet that croons such lines as "Mexicans should all be killed at birth."

When asked to explain, Last Call Cleveland founder Mike Polk says, "But we hate Jews and women, too."

Ah, good old-fashioned satire. The kind of humor we used to have before the Republicans took over and made TV boring. Before the Empire. And it's damn funny.

Check them out at the House of Blues on July 30 and August 13. Seating at 7 p.m.; show starts at 8. — James Renner

CRITICAL REGROUP

Mass ticketing by police and subsequent reluctance by cyclists to show their numbers in downtown streets broke up the most recent Critical Mass movement in Cleveland back in 2003. But now the organized coincidence of cyclists is regrouping. About 15 people met recently to discuss reviving the demonstration of cyclists' rights, and decided to do so on the last Saturday of each month, meeting on Public Square, where the ride will start at 6 p.m. The first of the revived critical mass rides will take place this Saturday, July 29.

"The ride usually seeks to open the public's eyes to the viability of bicycles as transportation, although some riders go further and see it as a criticism of car culture, overuse of oil and its environmental and social impact, and general overconsumption in society," says cyclist Electra Bryant. "Others just show up for the ride."

Commuters who just want to get to work might also consider the monthly Bike to Work Day, Friday morning, July 28. Organized rides leave for downtown from the University Circle Arabica at 7:45 a.m., Civilization at West 11th and Kenilworth in Tremont at 7:45 a.m., and the Lakewood Phoenix at 15108 Detroit Rd. at 7:25 a.m., or you could just meet other bikers to work at AJ Roccos, near Prospect and Huron, for free coffee and bagels between 8 and 9 a.m. — Michael Gill

RUST BELT REPORT

City pools stay open later as record temperatures scorch Clevelanders.

After two weeks of this, even copious amounts of chlorine won't keep pool water from tasting a bit like ham gravy.

Female firefighter from Old Brooklyn awarded $275,000 after coworkers post sexy pictures in locker room.

Intends to spend settlement exclusively on porn.

Cleveland ranks third in "safest American city" poll.

We're too fat and poor to fight each other anymore.

Waitress from North Ridgeville wins $4.1 million in Ohio Lottery.

"Get yer own fuckin' ketchup, bitch!"

Browns sign top pick Kamerion Wimbley in time for camp.

Contract forbids off-field contact with Kellen Winslow and anything with fewer than four wheels.

Dewine campaign alters 9-11 footage for attack ad.

Adding smoke was one thing; digitally inserting Sherrod Brown's face into the cockpit window was way outta line.

Westlake Boy Scout troop sent to Kazakhstan to build new rope bridge.

Donald Rumsfeld has to be talked out of redeploying them to Iraq.

Cuyahoga County Board of Elections splits on firing Michael Vu over May primary fiasco.

In Vu's defense, it's not like our votes count anyway.

Four-foot alligator found roaming East Side streets.

On the plus side, there are fewer feral cats now.

New Board of Workers Comp investments have a 59 percent chance of success, says consultant.

Unlike rare coins, these Gone with the Wind commemorative plates are guaranteed to increase in value!

Indians on pace to lose 89 games.

It only feels like more.

Fiji bottled water found to be more contaminated than Cleveland tap water.

The mercury in our water kills everything else.