You're going to your mom's for Thanksgiving, the outlaw's place for Christmas and next door for the annual holiday potluck. Open houses, tailgate parties. Like it or not, the season is upon us. And you've got to bring something.

News flash: Nobody wants to eat your miserable ambrosia salad, that three-bean crap or your taco dip. You've made it a thousand times and everyone's sick of it (hate to break it to you, but it's not that good to begin with).

What I'm about to tell you kicks all that shit in the ass. And all the old Hungarian ladies will probably take out a contract hit on me for ripping their secret on how to make a decent cucumber salad, but I don't care.

All you single guys are rolling your eyes and are about to stop reading. Big mistake. Here's why: You make this recipe for any chick and you're in. We're talking one-way ticket to the promised land of Venus and thighs. Guaranteed.

Okay motherfuckers, let's go.

Get some cucumbers, say three good-sized ones; we're talking about a pound each. Now peel those bitches.

Slice those cukes real fine like artwork, about a quarter-inch thick. Don't fuck up and cut them too thick. You do that and they'll be shitty and no one will eat them. Use a food processor if you have one. And nothing cute like de-seeding those mothers or, worse yet, no fucking seedless gourmet cucumber candy-ass crap.

Get a big-ass bowl. Put a layer of those slices down. Salt the shit out of that. Another layer, more salt. Don't be a pussy, salt that shit down. Keep going until all the cucumber slices are gone and you've used enough salt to make your cardiologist start thinking about a color for his new Z4 Roadster.

Cover that mother and put it in the fridge overnight. And don't fuck with it. Just leave it alone for chrissake.

Now take it out the next day and dump those babies in a salad spinner or colander. Pour off all that salty brine. Immerse the strainer in another bowl of fresh water and swish the cukes around. Lift the cukes out, get new water. Keep rinsing those bad asses. Taste them. Too salty? Keep rinsing until the salt level is fly, then shake or spin off as much excess water as you can.

This is the most important part, so get on it. And it pretty much sucks, but I don't want to hear any bellyaching.

Get a dry bowl. Line it with a couple of paper towels. Take a handful of your cukes and squeeze the living shit out of them. Get all the water out that you can. You got to do this shit with your hands. Don't think you're going to use your nancy French press coffee maker or some crap — use your hands. Put them in the paper towel bowl.

See if you can get your sig oth to come on over and help you squash all those fucking cukes. Try saying this: "Hey sugar baby? Whyontcha come on and gimme a hand with these cukies?" real sweet-like.

Now the two of you are next to each other at the sink, squishing those slippery wet cucumbers between your fingers. Don't even. Go on upstairs and take care of that. Then wash your hands for chrissake.

Give the cukes an extra squeeze and take out the paper towels. Mix in about a half cup of sour cream (whole fat, not that lame fat-free shit) and about a quarter cup white vinegar, the regular cheap Heinz shit that you buy at Marc's in the plastic gallon jug.

Stir it up righteous. Now taste it. Add more sour cream to make it creamier. More vinegar to make it tarter. Careful not to put too much. Too much sour cream is no big deal. But don't fuck around with the vinegar. Put too much of that in there and you're shit-canned. Add salt and pepper to taste (if you can't figure that out, go to hell).

Oh for chrissake, the onion. You need a good big one, about the size of your fist. Again, this is your regular cheap yellow. No heirloom, Vidalia or Spanish fucking red. Stop fucking around. Do it regular. Peel it and cut it in half from the top to the bottom hairy end. Good. Now slice that into thin, thin slices across the natural grain, so you end up with skinny half-circles when it comes apart. Stop crying like a nancy girl. It's not that hot. Put all that onion in those cukes.

Mix it so it gets a little foamy. Cover it and let it sit in the fridge for a long-ass time or overnight.

Now take that fucker to your auntie's house for the football game buffet. Set it out next to the lame-ass macaroni salad. Don't say one word, just put a slotted spoon in there and let that mother ride. Watch old Jimbo take a bite and say, "Holy Christ, that's a cucumber!" And your cousin Delores, "I haven't had a cucumber like that since I don't know when." Or, better yet, your chickie date. "You made this baby? Honest? Come on over here and let me scratch you proper right where it itches."

You are so down.

eobnow@yahoo.com; www.erinobrien.us