Vlad to the bone - Posing for his West Wing portrait.

Frustrated by Congressman Dennis Kucinich's presidential quest for peaceful splendor through idealistic rhetoric? Then maybe Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey's quixotic charge at the White House, armed with an eight-foot studded stake, will reignite your cynical hearts.

The 42-year-old gained infamy in Minnesota earlier this year for a short-lived gubernatorial run under his recently created Vampires, Witches and Pagans Party, with a promise to publicly impale anyone who raped children, committed terrorism or attacked the elderly. He also proposed killing Islamic terrorists wrapped in pig skin, which in that tradition means you go straight to hell and don't collect any virgins. Now he's running for president because he believes two-party voters are disillusioned enough to elect a Satanist who lauds the Romanian Vlad the Impaler (Dracula) as a great reformer.

"This is what people really need," says Sharkey, who has worked in the past on both Democratic and Republican campaigns. "If you know that the president is going to show no mercy, are you going to think twice about messing with a person or their life? If you rape a kid or are a terrorist or you attack the elderly, you are going to get brutally impaled by me. People are looking for a breath of fresh air and that's what I'm going to give them. I won't hide my evil side; but it's one thing to unleash your evil side on innocents and it's another to unleash your evil side on those who would prey upon the innocents."

Sharkey was scheduled to hold a press conference at 1 p.m. today at O'Hara's (1289 Pearl Rd., Brunswick) to officially announce his candidacy — and to unveil his new impaling stake. Then he'll prove his no-nonsense approach on Friday, when he'll show up in Medina County Common Pleas Court for the sentencing of insurance scam artist James Moneypenny, his father-in-law. He plans to ask the judge to impose the strictest sentence. Next time, Sharkey says, Moneypenny gets the studded stick straight up the arse.

— Dan Harkins

THE 'OH STOP' IN OHIO

Ohio naturists — people who like to walk around naked in Ohio — are being asked by the Naturist Action Committee to stand up and fight for their right. It seems that last year in the Southeast Ohio town of Westchester, a known sexual predator flashed a 9-year-old girl. He was caught, but after posting $500 bail, was released in just a few hours.

Republican state Sen. Gary Cates responded with SB 245, which the NAC says would significantly increase punishment for mere nudity in the presence of a minor, without distinguishing between lewd or predatory conduct and that which is incidental, accidental or simply benign. A prior record — even if it be a public indecency citation for skinny-dipping, something as silly as a drive-by mooning, or even as utilitarian as peeing in the rough while golfing — would bring stiffer penalties.

The NAC says the bill was expected to get a courtesy hearing and then die in committee, but instead was passed by the Senate and has been chosen for consideration in the House before the end of the legislative session. NAC asks that if you recognize a difference between nude sunbathing and flashing — or, say, yanking it in front of Carl Monday's house — you make your voice heard by contacting your state rep, members of the House Criminal Justice Committee and Speaker of the House John Husted, to oppose Senate Bill 245. Contact information for all of them can be found at legislature.state.oh.us. — Michael Gill

YOU SUCK:

Ohio House Speaker Jon Husted:

He rallied Republicans to override Governor Taft's veto of a ridiculous gun bill that allows drivers to conceal weapons in their vehicles. Lucky for Husted, it's still legal to conceal one's head up one's ass.

Summit County representatives:

The only thing stupider than building a giant soccer stadium in Macedonia is rigging it so that taxpayers can't vote on it. You guys should be red-carded and kicked in the junk with cleats.

YOU ROCK:

NASA Glenn:

After nabbing the contract to build sections of the new space shuttle, NASA Glenn engineers may help construct a moon base. Far out. Let's send Kucinich.

State Sen. Patricia Clancy:

A tax-incentives package aimed to lure filmmakers to Ohio finally passed the Senate, thanks to Clancy's last-minute maneuvers. Awesome — maybe now ABC will listen to our Lost 2: Whiskey Island pitch.

RUST BELT REPORT

Ohio man arrested for smoking in bar.

Tried to run but got only half a block before collapsing into a wheezing heap.

Elderly Akron woman robbed of $1,000 in bingo winnings.

There but for the grace of B-16 go I.

Cleveland Institute of Art awarded contract to redesign military Humvees.

Abstract Expressionist motif will mask splattered blood.

John S. Knight Center offers to record free video Xmas messages for troops in Iraq.

If only body armor could be downloaded.

New study reveals that 153,000 Clevelanders are technically poor.

And the 153 Clevelanders who are affluent technically care.

Governor Bob Taft claims new state school board members will support teaching evolution.

Which really bummed him out. Luckily, it was also death-warrant day.

Outgoing Attorney General Jim Petro spends $2,500 in state funds to mail out 32-page booklet about his legacy.

Jim, you could have fit that on a postcard.

Hundreds turn out for Willoughby "psychic fair."

"I see you, you're buying something — a hotdog, I think, yes, a hotdog, and, and a smoothie …" "Will you knock it off already?"

Cuyahoga County may spend $115 million to create system to allow police and fire departments to communicate during an emergency.

Current systems "The Phone" and "The Radio" deemed insufficiently wasteful by Ohio standards.

Street-sweeper from Brook Park donates $530 in pennies to Salvation Army.

"Gee, thanks, but you know, the United Way could probably use this even more. Why don't you take it to them?"

Juvenile Court Judge Joe Russo injured in mishap with electronic bull during staff Christmas party.

Stunned employees agree: Best. Christmas party. Ever.