In May 1971, one Janice Pennington graced the centerfold of Playboy. Sunlight belied hairspray on her long brown tresses. Tan lines outlined smallish and imperfectly shaped breasts. The most graphic photo in the spread discretely hinted at a mystic place that was rendered secret by a wispy scarf and a cloud of downy hair.

When God Created Woman, this is what he meant.

What made Pennington or any of her fellow vintage Playmates really sexy was her tangibility. This girl was real. She was the beauty behind the deli counter, the drop-dead gorgeous housewife weeding her garden, the babe in the jeep at the red light. Pick up Playboy today and you will be greeted by the likes of Paris Hilton or Pam Anderson or, heaven help us, the unholy triumvirate known as the Girls Next Door: Kendra Wilkinson, 21, (turnoffs: mean people and pretty boys); Holly Madison, 27, (favorite Disney character: Belle from Beauty and the Beast); and Bridget Marquardt, 33, ("I love pink, polka dots and bows"). And let's not forget Anna Nicole Smith. If she ever moved in next to me, I'd put my house up for sale.

All of them are blond, blond, blond, blond, blond and blond. In days of old, a gentleman could venture to parts nether and judge the authenticity of a woman's hair color. With today's current trend toward disturbingly pedophilic hairlessness, however, such secrets give new credence to the assertion that "only her hairdresser knows for sure" (Pennington was an unequivocal brunette). That said, I'm pretty sure the hair color on these chicks — call it White Noise — is fake, fellas.

On to the twin peaks. I am no expert when it comes to breast augmentation, but any protuberance that looks more like a grapefruit half with a nipple than a standard mammary is suspicious in my book. In Playboy, we find Florida Citrus Grove Deluxe. There is a mass-produced sameness to every breast in the magazine. As far as blemishes, scars, bulges or any mark that individualizes a woman (save the occasional tattoo), Playboy's digital retouch gods are at the ready. Regarding the southern territory, they often remove any suggestion of the pudendum in their sculpting of the McPlaymate. Strange that this new permutation in airbrushing almost makes me wax nostalgic for the gynecological graphics of Penthouse. Almost.

The January 2007 Playboy cover has Anderson sporting a single piece of lingerie that features a glittering dollar sign in a conspicuous spot. Since Pennington isn't here to say it, I'll say it for her: "The Price is Right!" Hilton was deemed "Sex Star of the Year" according to the March 2005 cover. And if that's hot!, then I'll take mine cold and to go, thank you. As for our three chummy Girls Next Door, just tune into E! and watch their show! Who would want to miss edge-of-your-seat follies such as "Kendra's dream of obtaining a pink and white crystal dental "grill' becomes a reality" or "Hef's friends descend on the Mansion with children in tow, ready to hunt eggs decorated by Holly, Bridget and Kendra."

Someone needs to tell these silly little broads that, at their age, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend who is 80. I don't care how much he's worth, how copiously the Viagra Falls cascade, or how sweet the fame. It ain't worth it. For the rest of your life, every other guy you zock will carry with him the indelible image of Merry Old Hef dancing naked on the fringes of cardiac arrest while you grin and bare it.

A man once told me that a girlfriend's age should be half the man's age plus seven. So if the man is 30, the chick should be 22. A 27-year-old girl gets paired with a 40-year-old man. The 50-year-old stud gets a 32-year-old girlfriend and so on. Hence, for Hef, the girlfriend-age-calculator spits out (ahem) 47 — assuming it goes that high.

Nowhere in this math does it say that the sum of your girlfriends' ages should add up to your age, a milestone Hef will achieve on April 9, 2007 when he turns 81. And although 81 = 21 + 27 + 33, Hef = Kendra + Holly + Bridget is not necessarily a logical corollary. Who could judge how many bunnies equal one Hef? (Add that to the irony that Bridget's advanced age of 33 is apparently too sensitive to list on the Girls Next Door Web site.) Even though they collectively gain three years to each of his own, I can't figure out if Hef is greater or lesser than his trio of darling dollies. Maybe I should check with Kendra's hairdresser.

I have an idea of how the girlies talk about their Daddio behind his back, but methinks it goes something like this:

GND 1: "Thanks for taking over for me last night."

GND 2: "You owe me."

GND 3: "Was it blue?"

GND 2: "Bluer than ever. And it smelled bad. Took forever too."

GND 1: "Did he give you the "Experienced men take their time' line?"

GND 2: "Yeah. Like anyone wants to do an old guy for a long time."

GND 3: "That's why they call it work, sister."

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