Recently I came across The Penis Book: An Owner's Manual for Use, Maintenance and Repair. This book purports to tell you (if you're a fellow, that is) "all about your most prized possession," from "how it works" to "what to do if things go wrong." It provides information about the male body, "explains the plumbing" and "answers questions men are too embarrassed to ask."

When will people learn? If you want to know about penises you should come to me!

For years male readers have been writing to me and asking questions about their penises. I reply to them frankly, and with humor and compassion. Because, naturally, I have my own little chap - and don't get me wrong, The Magnificence could hardly be described as "little." This is purely medical terminology - and you can be sure I've been keeping close tabs on it all my life. Consequently, I have learned much.

The following is a selection of some of the questions I've received over the years and my responses to them. And while I have received no formal medical training, I think any physician you'd care to name would wholeheartedly agree with and "sign off" on most if not all of my penis information.

What exactly is a penis? - YH, Warren

A penis is a wonderful appurtenance that we men have that permits us to go to the lavatory, enjoy the gift of sex and, not incidentally, make babies. I'd have to say it's at the top of the list of all the male organs!

What exactly does the penis do when it manufactures the stuff that goes into making babies? - TS, Cleveland

Ah, another biological question! TS, it's a very complicated process which I'll do my best to explain to you in layman's terms. The stuff you refer to - stuff which we in medicine term "semen" - is cooked up in a little sac behind your penis, near your liver or thereabouts. When the sac gets full, you get a feeling of "horniness," which causes the penis to grow to mythical dimensions. This enables it to go into the lady. Then you get a baby. Pretty nice, huh?

I'm a student and sometimes I get an embarrassing penile situation during class. - JB, Euclid

You bragging or complaining? Seriously, this is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. If, however, you'd like to rectify matters, briskly tap your pants with your fingers and yell, "Down, down, down! Back, back, back!" That will get the offending party to settle in and behave itself. And why shouldn't it? After all, you're always the boss of your penis!

How do I know if my satisfying my partner with my penis? - LL, Cleveland Heights

As long as you're there, giving it the old college try, you can bet you're satisfying your partner! Some people just express their satisfaction better than others. So don't even think about it!

Why is it that sometimes when I'm having sex with my partner I lose my penis arousal? - KR, Cleveland

KR, sex is like tides. Sometimes it comes in, sometimes it goes out. When you're at "low tide," the penis responds by getting smaller, or "limp," in medical terms. This occasionally happens if you're drunk on beer or if your mind wanders to, say, the Indians' current starting pitching situation. It's completely normal and no one minds.

Why does my penis get all small and shriveled when I take a bath or go swimming? - RL, Rocky River

It's a well-known fact that penises don't like water. Never have, never will! Why this is hasn't been fully explained as of yet, but it may very well be that when humans were amphibians and struggling to get out of the muck and mire, they were thinking, "I don't care for the water and I can hardly wait to get out of it." This thought was transmitted over the centuries to different parts of the bodies including, you guessed it, our friend Mr. Penis! So when you hit the water today, below decks it's a reminder of days of yore, and retreat is sounded.

How do I know if my penis is too small? - BW, Willoughby

There is no such thing as a "too small" penis. If someone tells you this, they should seek counseling immediately.

erictbroder@yahoo.com, ericbroder.com