Hey (Ex-boyfriend's name here), how are you? I know, I know! It really has been a while! We should catch up sometime. You're right, what better time than now? After all, you did catch me at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday. Yeah, I am at work but don't worry, my job still isn't as sweet as yours. So what's the haps? That's what I say now. I say "What's the haps?" I say it a lot. You'd probably hate to be around me now.

No, no, don't worry that I'm still really lost on how you got my new phone number. It's fine. You ran into someone who had my new number and they were kind enough to release it to you. At least no one is finding it on bathroom walls, right? Ha ha, I like to make creepy comments to make people uncomfortable and want to stop calling my number. You and I both know, I change it way too much anyway. I know, that's funny. Do you know why it's so funny? Because you are actually one of the reasons I changed the number. That's just a riot. It's a real hoot.

Yeah, my mom mentioned that she ran into you at Giant Eagle. Oh? She mentioned I'd moved? Wow, she even dropped the general location? Good for her, she just earned a daughter-to-mother memo that I'll go ahead and drop off at the next family gathering. She is a really nice lady. And of course, she just adored you. Is this where I try to escape our conversation by describing that she and I used to drink hot cocoa and imagine what beautiful children you and I would make? No? Well, don't worry, I've got plenty of wack-job cards to play before this grueling visit to the past is over.

Wow, now we're really starting to have some laughs about old times. And yes, I actually do remember that hilarious evening when we ordered in some take-out and you forgot to hold the mushrooms on my meal. I remember it because it was the most severe allergic reaction I've ever experienced. Had I really never mentioned that I'm deathly allergic to mushrooms? I usually throw that out there the first time a gentleman orders me a Philly steak and cheese sub. I'm a lady and gentlemen order those for ladies. Because I could have sworn I mentioned it. But yeah, that certainly earned itself a sturdy peg in the timeline of "us." Ha ha, and it nearly became the final peg in the timeline of "me"! It's so nice to reminisce! And yeah, I think it's great that that band called the Fray has a song about saving a life, and it really should make you think of me. Because I almost died. You really do know how to save a life, not to mention end mine.

So how is what's-his-face and your friend so-and-so? You don't have to tell me, I know, your friends are really wild! Remember how they used to make inappropriate advances at me when you were out of earshot? You don't and that's okay - I was just such a good girlfriend to not make any waves. They're a great bunch of fantastic members of society. I really think you're among potential world leaders. Tell them all I said hello because that will translate to how badly I want them. And you can tell them all that I was all over you, asking for a second chance. You guys and your delusions! What a rowdy bunch of young bucks!

Wow, the time has really passed by quickly. We should definitely keep in touch. Am I seeing anyone now? Is my answer going to be a crucial point leading into any other questions? Because I really don't feel completely certain that getting together for some "grub" and to throw back some "brews" is completely necessary. Maybe it's because I'm so tired from this walk down memory lane! It was more like a marathon with all of our great times to be remembered! But you know, we'll hang out sometime or see each other around. Yeah, I'll text you! That's what we'll do. You and I can individually become the "ex" that texts the other person who really doesn't want to text them back. Ever.

Hey, you know what, while I have you on the line, remember when I paid a few of your bills? Well, we had our little "falling out" and I was kinda hoping - Oh? You have to go? Oh yeah, you'd better answer that other call from your mother. Must be important. No no, no big deal. Just uh, yeah, text me. And if I don't respond right away it's because sometimes my phone is just a real piece of junk. I know, I should get your phone. Your phone has its own keypad for texting and excellent service. You call it "the kick" because it is your sidekick.

Yeah. You know what? I'm glad I'm not your sidekick.

Katie McIntyre is a 23-year-old office manager and bartender. This is her first published work, other than a sad excuse for a poem about winter that she wrote in second grade.