Yeah, we know that's not Cleveland Foxx and Robert Downey Jr.

For perhaps the first time since the 1966 riots, local media descended on the Hough community last week. The occasion was a press conference to discuss The Soloist, a new Hollywood film that's shooting in Cleveland. Well, at least part of the film's being shot in Cleveland. Based on a book about Nathaniel Ayers, a classical cellist who, because of mental illness, ends up homeless in Los Angeles, the film traces the Cleveland native's life and his ultimate friendship with a journalist (Robert Downey Jr.) who befriends him on the LA streets. Ayers will be played by Academy Award-winner Jamie Foxx, whom director Joe Wright described as "the best actor of his generation."

While the film's stars weren't on hand for the press conference, Wright (Atonement, Pride and Prejudice), producer Gary Foster and Ayers' sister Jennifer were. Most famous for British period pieces, Wright talked about why it was important to film segments of the movie in Cleveland. "The rest of the movie is shot in Los Angeles, and Los Angeles looks nothing like Cleveland," he said from the porch of a dilapidated house transformed to look like a beauty salon. "We tried to make the movie as authentic as possible in its dealings with certain areas of Los Angeles, and we wanted to do that with Nathaniel's childhood. There's a very different atmosphere here and we're trying to capture that."

With fake snow blown all over the sidewalks and the facade of an Old Erie Gas Station recreated on the alley corner, the set did indeed resemble Cleveland. Of course, filming in Cleveland brought in a bit of business as some 65 local crew members were hired, as were 25 extras. Ivan Schwarz, the executive director of the Greater Cleveland Film Commission, took the opportunity to pitch for a tax incentive to promote more projects of this sort. "This is what it can be like with a film industry here," he said. "The filmmakers are enjoying this, but the community should also really enjoy it as well." - Jeff Niesel

GOOD NEWS - YOUR MOM'S NOT DEAD!

I about had an effing heart attack when I listened to the message on my cell phone Monday morning: "My name is Linda," the urgent voice said. "Please call me when you get this message. This is regarding Connie. If you call me, I'll give you the details. You'll need this number: 440.777.7084. Tell them it's about Connie, and they'll put you through."

Connie is my mother. Various scenarios ran through my head as I dialed the number. Car accident? Is she in a coma at the hospital? Did something happen to one of my sisters?

Finally, I got through to Linda. "So glad you called," she said. "Your mother wants you to have two free certificates for carpet cleaning. Can we schedule a time to show you a demonstration of our products?"

That's right. Linda is a telemarketer for Kirby. And apparently I'm not the first person they've harassed in Cleveland. The Ripoff Report (ripoffreport.com) has a page devoted to complaints about Kirby telemarketers, though most are stories about repeated calls and not of the "your mom might be dead" variety. "I used to work for Kirby in New York," writes one poster. "Their business tactics are misleading at best, and borderline criminal at worst."

The number listed above is registered to "Linder & Associates," which sounds like a prestigious law firm, but is actually the name of a West Side independent distributor for Kirby. After I composed myself, I called them back and asked for more information about their sales tactics. They took my message but didn't call back before press time. I guess that's one way to get on their Do Not Call registry.

In their defense, it turned out that my mother did give them my phone number. "A salesman stopped by the other day and tried to sell me a Kirby," she said. "He really wanted me to buy one but I just don't need it. It sounded like it would be good for your allergies. I know how you get this time of year. Are you taking your Claritin?"

Yes, mother. - James Renner

FAIR DEAL

Here's the deal: If you've enjoyed the Coventry Street Fairs in past summers and would like to again this summer, then you need to break out the checkbook. At press time we heard that few had committed to attending A Taste of Coventry, a party to raise at least some of the funds necessary to cover the street fairs' upfront expenses, like security. Without advance ticket sales, there might not be a fundraiser, and without funds, there certainly won't be street fairs.

A Taste of Coventry takes place at 7 p.m. May 2 at B-Side Liquor Lounge (2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights). Advance tickets ($25) are available at various Coventry shops and restaurants or by mailing a check, payable to Coventry Village Special Improvement District, to CVSID, 2533 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, OH 44106-2709.

Coventry is Free Times' former home. We'd consider it a personal favor if you helped keep the street fairs going. - Frank Lewis

DON'T CALL ME FRANCIS

Below is a recent e-mail from a seriously disgruntled freelance writer. A little background: This writer had done another story for the paper last year, a 3,000-word turd that was printable only after being whittled down by about 60 percent. So when he pitched another story, on a much more complicated and controversial topic, we were not inclined to trust him to pull it off. And when he kept upping his word count and asking price, we just stopped responding to his e-mails.

But he went ahead and wrote the story anyway (another turd) and raised his price yet again. The subsequent phone conversation became heated and ended with a hang-up. That night, he fired off a scathing e-mail to editor Frank Lewis and the entire Free Times staff. It's below; the only change we've made is to delete his description of the story he'd written. It involved serious allegations that he couldn't support.

To all those who have to put up with Francis,

Putting up with Hitler bosses, especially editors, is such a bummer. I know how it is, I finally had a chance to speak with Francis Lewis and what bitch she can be! Talk about sensitive, you ask for another editor's opinion on a story and she screams hysterically, "I'm the EDITOR!" It's an honest mistake for anyone; I finally realized your masthead on the web page is an alphabetical order.

You also ask Francis for a little bit more money for a story (I have mouths to feed like a lot of people) and she hangs up on you. And then another "editor" (read Francis), tells you to go ahead and write a story, on spec, and what does she do, she calls you a liar.

[Actually, I called him a liar and hung up after catching him in a lie about a conversation he said he had with another editor here.]

And what a schmuck she, Francis, can be. She prefers to run a story about goats and forgoes a story about …. And then everyone is pumped about the Indians and she has to kill the buzz. What a loser.

[This apparently refers to the April 2 cover story "Bases Very Loaded." And here's where it rises from garden-variety temper tantrum to seriously whacked-out shit:]

And a loser who better not be stealing anyone's story ideas. Especially those with children. You're stealing from my family basically. And If I catch you doing that, I'll cut your fucking head off and put it on YouTube. And if you want to fuck with me like you fuck with everybody (so I hear) I'm 6 feet tall and can bench press 500 pounds. Be my guest bitch....

YOU ROCK

Pope Benedict XVI: What can we say, we luva da pope! Cleveland Catholics flocked en masse to New York last week to sneak a glimpse of you and your funny hat, returning with stories of hope and enlightenment - which are sadly lacking here. Thanks for the blessings. P.S. Sorry we sent you Umberto Fedeli and Sam Miller as emissaries. Please ignore anything they might have mentioned about land deals.

YOU SUCK

County Commissioner Jimmy Dimora: Dude, we hate The Plain Dealer almost as much as you do. But you can't be throwing reporters out of public meetings just because they busted you and Frank Russo for hiring a former strip-club manager to do busy work for $50,000 a year. When you do stuff like that, we have to stick up for our journalistic brethren (however smug they may be). And we can't help but marvel at your stupidity. Angrily refusing to answer questions just makes reporters more curious - that's Party Boss 101! Expect more inquiries soon.