Brains beats brawn

Frank Miller's brilliant, genre-shaking The Dark Knight Returns (1986) finally restored the dignity Batman lost in that god-awful '60s TV show. Though still morally rigid, Miller's Batman was also borderline psychotic, gleefully visiting grievous bodily harm upon common hoods and true villains alike; he even shares a "there but for the grace of God go I" moment with Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. Nor did Miller's Batman mellow with age. In the 2001 follow-up, The Dark Knight Strikes Again, the elderly vigilante is more rage-filled and unpredictable than ever, still only truly happy when stomping the snot out of someone.

Like Superman. Especially Superman, who in this story is a self-deluded tool of a corrupt government.

Amidst the gallows-humor asides and ass-kicking - always with the ass-kicking - it's easy to overlook just how fucking smart Batman is. And that's how he brings the legendary Man of Steel to his knees, literally and figuratively. "That's the problem with all those high and mighty powers," Batman tells him in Dark Knight Strikes Again, while watching him blunder into a succession of meticulously planned traps. "They made you cocky. Overconfident. You never learned to think strategically. I did. Pardon me while I drop 90 tons of planet Earth on you ... You've never been much in the smarts department. And when you're pushing 60, smarts count."

Later, a broken and bleeding Superman admits to Wonder Woman, "Bruce broke me down into pieces like I was a high school geometry project. I've lost it. I'm finished." (Then she punches him, for being a wuss.)

In a story filled with jaw-dropping scenes, that's my favorite.

A sense of humor can get you through hard times

The Spider-Man movies do a decent job of showing that he can take a beating and keep getting up. But they don't do justice to his incessant wise-cracking. To wit, some of his exchanges with impossibly fat nemesis King Pin:

KINGPIN: Who are you working for?

SPIDERMAN: You're right. You don't know me. You don't know why I'm doing this. And I promised myself that if I ever had a moment face to face with you again ... that I would tell you. There are all kinds of things I wanted to tell you ... and I was afraid I would forget to say them and I really wanted to tell you these things, because they're really important to me. OK, here goes. You are so fat that when you cut yourself shaving, marshmallow fluff comes out. No? Ok, how about this one. You are so fat that your high school yearbook photo was taken from a helicopter. Ooh, tough room. OK, how about, you're so fat that when you get on a scale, it says: One At a Time.

KP: You son of a -

SM: Wait, how about this one: Your belly button makes an echo. If you were a truck you would have a wide load sign. When you back up you can hear a beeping sound.

KP: I will find out ... who you are, and when I do, I'll personally come over to your house, and I will teach you exactly what I am.

SM: Dude, are you hitting on me?! Well, we should glare at each other menacingly more often. But I do have to leave. It seems that watching you eat makes me want to heave up my own feet.

KP: Young man, did you web my feet to the floor?

SM: Maybe.

KP: What possible satisfaction could you get from that?

SM: See? You don't understand me and I don't understand you.

SM: Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, if you're nice to people, they might let you rule the world?

Family matters

Identity Crisis brings together the entire DC Comics universe, after the murder of Elongated Man's wife. The plot is driven by the search for her killer and the slow revelation of old secrets. But above all else the story is about family. The extraordinary and the mundane intersect, uneasily.

"You know, I've tried to be good about this," Jack Drake says to his son Tim, aka Robin, who's preparing to climb out the window to join Batman. "I mean, my therapy bills alone ... Maybe it'd be better if you stayed in tonight. I mean, you're 16 years old. You shouldn't be running around in a mask and cape."

But after a moment he relents, then tells the empty window sill, "I'm proud of you, son."

A few pages later, the horror in Robin's eyes reveals the truth behind the mask: Every human is vulnerable to the indescribable pain of losing a loved one.

Anger can be useful

The Hulk. 'Nuff said.

May 3 is Free Comic Book Day. For a list of participating local shops, visit freecomicbookday.com.