THE BOB "I just use better parts."

Colonel Sanders was a mean drunk. That's what Bob Evans told me long ago. And it's the first thing I think about whenever I stop off for some extra-crispy secret recipe at my local KFC. I've kept quiet about it since our meeting. But now that Bob Evans has merged with the infinite (he died last Thursday at age 89) I feel I can safely share his story without incurring the wrath of the gravy-loving farmer.

As a teen, I attended a student economics conference at the University of Rio Grande in Southern Ohio. Bob Evans' homestead was right around the corner and he was invited by the school to give a pep talk to us future entrepreneurs. I was seated behind some stooge with a big head in the large auditorium and kept craning my neck to see Bob Evans better. He noticed me and asked if I would like to come sit with him on stage. On stage with Bob Evans, himself? Hells yes!

Sitting next to Bob Evans as some college official read his bio, I took the opportunity to lean over and whisper, "I like your sausage." Which is something you typically don't want to whisper in some old man's ear.

"You know what makes it so good?" he said. "Everyone else puts the whole pig in their sausages. I just use the better parts."

"Thanks," I told him. And I meant it.

After the speech, we had some more time to talk and Bob Evans told me that before he got super rich and famous, he used to visit country diners with Colonel Sanders and Dave Thomas. They traveled around Southern Ohio, Kentucky and Western Pennsylvania, looking for - I swear I'm not making this up - recipes to yank.

"Colonel Sanders liked the waitresses and he liked to drink," said Bob Evans. "He'd pick fights with the biggest guy in the restaurant. Sometimes, Dave and I had to drag him out of those places. He wanted to fight everybody."

Whenever I feel down, I just think of Bob Evans and Dave Thomas leading a belligerent Colonel Sanders out of a country restaurant and it makes me smile. I'll miss you, Bob Evans. And your sausage. - James Renner

RECORD DEAL

You might think it's a big deal for tattoo artist Marshall Olsen to take another crack at the world record for the longest tattoo session ever. You might think it'd be hard to find someone to sit still under the needle for almost two days - again. But you'd be wrong. Olsen has been working on the same full-body tattoo design for his client Adam Kemp for a couple of years now.

As they made their first record attempt in May, the Guinness Book of World Records Web site listed the official record at 42 hours and 10 minutes. They worked for 42 hours and 26 minutes, only to learn afterward from a Plain Dealer reporter that a new record, not yet posted online, had been set at 43 hours and 50 minutes. And so they're trying again.

This time, they're going at it with sponsorship from Damon's Bar and Grille in Willoughby and a cause - raising money for the American Cancer Society and American Rhett Syndrome Association. Aaron, who owns Alligator Ink Studios, where the record attempt will take place, says that in addition to videotaping the whole process, documenting it to Guinness's official satisfaction involves having two witnesses at all times, rotating in four-hour sessions, signing in and out on a clock. The attempt will take place July 2 through 4. They've timed it so that nearby fireworks displays will follow shortly afterward.

The whole thing started when Olsen and Kemp were roommates. When Olsen couldn't make rent, Kemp would cover it for him in exchange for tattoo work - which goes for $120 an hour. They began a full-body design which starts in the middle of Kemp's back in a pattern of vertebrae that spirals out and morphs as branches reach his limbs. One leg will look like the Sauron's tower from The Lord of the Rings. The other will have a Victorian pattern with space for portraits of Kemp's dogs. At the moment it's all outlined in black and gray. During the record attempt, Olsen will be coloring it in. He expects they'll have worked more than 300 hours ($36,000 worth) before it's over.

Olsen says to stay awake while applying ink with a needle for two days, he'll be drinking coffee and "those little five-hour instant energy-booster things."

Their goal is to raise $5,000 each for the American Rhett Syndrome Association and the American Cancer Society. For information or to make donations, go to Alligatorinkstudios.com. - Michael Gill

HELP FROM ABOVE

Relax. The housing crisis, which squeezes about 20,000 Clevelanders into the streets at some point during the course of every year, is nearly solved. Whew, right?

And the solution's trickling down, just as Sweet Daddy Reagan predicted, from the top. Isn't that heartening? This is how it's envisioned to go down: LA businessman Gene Parker, the CEO for real-estate speculators Skyline Financial Group, has so much spare scratch, he's going to start this ball a-rolling here by founding the Change of Fortune Foundation and providing four homes to needy families (to be chosen soon in an essay contest being coordinated by the Northeast Ohio Coalition for the Homeless). We're talking fully-furnished and rent-free for two years - plenty of time to get lucky rolling all that spare change into scratch-offs.

By year's end, Parker hopes to have 10 families set up for the winter. And all this includes personal financial help to truly mend lives and fences.

But this is just the first part of the plan. See, Parker, in his heart of hearts, just knows that his executive counterparts here, legions of suits and skirts with clear connections to the city's lifelines, will follow up with a true renaissance of charitable bliss. Ten homes for the homeless will turn into 100, then 1,000 and beyond. Neighborhoods now ravaged by poverty and predation will be transformed by the new urban elite (currently shacked up out in the suburbs).

"That's why we came here," says Parker's spokeswoman, Rachel Charles. "We're going to come down and tip people over and see what's in their pockets."

And what if they couldn't possibly spare a dime, what with private school and jacuzzi repair bills skyrocketing? Well, planners knew about this historic reluctance. That's why, unbeknownst to anyone who can't afford a membership to the Cleveland Athletic Club, Forrest City's Sam Miller has already paid for a study to tell us how a new convention center next door to his seen-better-days Tower City is what will lead to sure utopia.

How could anyone even fathom being homeless in a city with people who care that much for the little guy? - Dan Harkins

JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND IN BRUNSWICK

Is everyone in Brunswick drunk? It certainly seemed that way around 2 in the morning on June 17. That's around the time 18-year-old Jeanne Navdit left work at the Brunswick Steak n' Shake (last visited by the Free Times for "The Suicide Murder? of Joseph Kupchik," January 10) in a borrowed car, which a state trooper spotted swerving on the highway. Navdit allegedly attempted to ditch the trooper by high-tailing it through Hickory Hills with her lights off before she lost control and plowed into the side of a house. According to the police report, she was found trapped inside the vehicle, still talking to friends on her cell phone.

The friend on the other end of the line was 19-year-old Stephanie Kasco, who lives nearby and who ran to the site of the accident. Unfortunately, Brunswick cops allegedly smelled booze on her breath and promptly arrested her for underage consumption. Then police called a tow truck. But the tow truck driver was also drunk, allegedly, so they arrested him, too, and called two more trucks; one to tow the car, the other to tow the first tow truck.

Police are still sorting through the multiple arrests and have yet to file a full report. In the meantime, Kasco offers her side of events, when reached via MySpace.

"All I know is that I got a call from Jennie - and it was on my boyfriend's phone - stating that she just ran my brother's car into a house," writes Kasco, as if she's typing out the teleplay for tomorrow's episode of Passions. "Well, she didn't have permission to take it either. As for me, well, I was relaxing, having a couple friends over. They were leaving and I was getting ready to crack one beer open. I had a sip or two then I got that call." Kasco says she ran to the scene and because of her asthma was quite out of breath by the time she got there. It was the asthma, not the booze, that made her speak strangely.

"I DID NOT STATE anything to the police that I was drinking," she claims. "The police automatically put me in handcuffs and did not ask me for a sobriety test or anything. Brunswick police and the Sheriff are just down to get anyone and everyone."

Tune in next week when we discover why Navdit was calling Kasco's boyfriend's cell phone at 2 a.m. in the first place.

- James Renner

SOME STUFF WE WON

All hail Free Times' winners in the Press Club of Cleveland's Excellence in Journalism Awards:

Michael Gill, senior editor: Best in Ohio/Essays; first place, Features/General, for "Risking the Cross" on the social justice activists of the Catholic Worker; second place, Personality Profile, for "Way East of Eden," on East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer; and an honorable mention in A&E for "County Cleveland," on local Celtic musicians.

did it hurt? Kemp's ongoing skin renovation.

Ron Kretsch, art director: First place, covers, for "This is Called a Berdizzo," for an article on self-castration; and an honorable mention in Sports Action Photography for "Vadim's Rib," a shot accompanying a profile of an up-and-coming ultimate fighting competitor.

Jeff Niesel, music editor: Second place, Best Section.

Matt Bors, freelance illustrator and cartoonist (Idiot Box): First place, in Multiple Illustrations/One Story, for "Hustle and Blow," on some local charities that may not be all that charitable.

RUST BELT REPORT

Cavs fans send 6-foot-tall card to team.

Specially designed by American Greetings, featuring Ziggy curbing a Spurs player.

Antioch College alumni gather to protest school's closing.

Citing precedent, protestors insist that school may only close one department at a time, and must obtain specific verbal consent before closing the next.

Attorney General Marc Dann tells Youngstown reporter, "Go fuck yourself!"

The PD's Ted Diadiun wonders why this is news - people say that to him all the time.

Grand Prix of Cleveland begins "casual Friday" races.

Drivers who ask if khaki is flame-retardant are advised to shut up until they're drawing as big as their NASCAR counterparts.

Cleveland mayor holds secret meetings to pick new school board.

All regrettably pass their sight and hearing tests; new batch of candidates is solicited.

Local gangs hold "peace talks" in neutral territory.

Surprisingly amicable discussion of Scarface leads to agreement to meet again to watch The Godfather together.

Hudson woman selling Moses Cleaveland's old home.

Cuyahoga County Commissioners place bid so they can tear it down.

Treasure-hunter finds ghost ship off Vermillion shore.

Wow! We'll buy it from you for a million ghost dollars!

Chagrin Falls wants to become new arts center.

So what? The Browns have wanted to be a new football team for years.

Ohio City named one of top 10 coziest places to live.

All that, and a view of the steel mill!

Rape suspect arrested in Solon, wearing a lion costume.

Thought he needed courage, but really needed a heart and a brain.

U.S. Justice Department letter to Ohio judge supported Republican efforts to disenfranchise black voters in 2004.

Would have required ballots be placed inside Friends DVDs.

Northeast Ohio amateur radio clubs run emergency-preparedness drill.

In event of nuclear war, nothing will be left but cockroaches and dorks.

YOU ROCK

Ted Strickland: Last week, you became the first Ohio governor to attend the annual Human Rights Campaign dinner, organized to support the local lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. And you used the opportunity to scare the bejesus out of state Republicans by stating, "I oppose putting discrimination into the constitution," adding, "Love is stronger than hate. Courage is desirable and more powerful than fear."

YOU SUCK

Sherrod Brown: You deserve credit for admitting that it was wrong to vote for the Military Commissions Act (also known as the Torture Bill) during last year's heated campaign - and that, if it came up now, you wouldn't. But you also deserve one last head-slap for voting for this historically reprehensible piece of legislative bile in the first place. Seriously, dude, what were you thinking?